Emotional maturity is something we typically assume comes with age. However, there are a number of factors that influence how we emotionally mature and when. This article explains the concept of emotional maturity and how best to achieve it.
“You’re so immature” is a phrase that’s thrown around a lot – especially between children or pre-adolescents. But as we age, we tend to hear this phrase less. Part of the reason for this is that we assume maturity comes with age. But does it?
Research suggests that, yes, we become more mature with age. But the road to emotional maturity differs. For some, it may be an onwards and upward trajectory, while others may face hurdles along the way.
Our childhood experiences, relationships with our primary caregivers, and our age, culture, and gender can have a big impact on our emotional maturity in more ways than one.
To answer all of your questions on emotional maturity, this article will cover:
- What emotional maturity is
- 6 signs you’re emotionally mature
- Real-life examples of emotional maturity
- The role of childhood in your emotional maturity
- How gender, age, and culture influence emotional maturity
- 3 ways to become more emotionally mature
We’ve all heard of the phrase “emotional maturity,” but what does it mean to be emotionally mature?
When we describe someone as “emotionally mature,” we mean they know who they are, that they’re able to feel all of their emotions, and that they react in appropriate ways to their feelings. Emotional maturity also encompasses being able to recognize and empathize with others’ emotions.
Emotional maturity is a non-physical form of development that we need to become a healthy, fully developed adult. However, it’s important to know that we don’t mature emotionally at the same rate. How we’re parented, and the experiences we have in childhood can influence when we reach emotional maturity, if at all.
The problem with emotional maturity is that it’s not always easy to know if you’re emotionally mature or not. So, let’s explore 6 of the key signs of emotional maturity, to help you identify where you’re at.
6 Signs You’re Emotionally Mature
1. You take responsibility for your feelings
When a person is emotionally mature, they recognize that they – and only they – have the power to control their emotions. For example, when someone upsets them, they don’t think, “You hurt me; how could you!” Instead, they think, “Woah, what they did upset me. How can I feel better?”
It may seem like a small difference, but the distinction is important. By going down the emotionally mature route, you don’t blame others or yourself. Plus, by avoiding blame, you take ownership of your well-being.
2. You show compassion toward others
Emotionally mature people have developed the ability to see the world from another person’s perspective. For instance, if a friend confides in them about a rough day, they may think, “Oh no, they’re sad. I wonder how I can help.”
In contrast, an emotionally immature person may think, “That’s nothing – wait till you hear about my day,” or “They’re acting strange, are they upset with me?”
3. You form healthy relationships
Forming healthy relationships starts in childhood with the relationship you build with your primary caregiver. If your caregivers allowed you to express your full range of emotions and helped you find healthy ways to manage these, you likely developed a secure attachment style.
A secure attachment in early life sets the tone for your relationships later in life, making it easier for you to trust others, be vulnerable with them, and express your emotions in healthy ways. An insecure attachment style, on the other hand, does the opposite.
We will talk about this in more depth later on in the article.
Not sure whether you’re insecurely or securely attached? Take our FREE Attachment Style Quiz and find out!
4. You apologize for your mistakes
Emotional maturity comes hand-in-hand with self-awareness, so emotionally mature people can identify when they have made a mistake. This means they’re more likely to take responsibility for their actions and apologize for these, particularly if they have upset or inconvenienced someone.
A person with low emotional maturity, on the other hand, tends to have low levels of self-awareness and often negative self-esteem. As a result, their responses tends to go one of two ways:
- They become defensive of their actions and refuse to apologize.
- They apologize profusely and internalize their guilt, believing they are a bad person for upsetting someone.
5. You feel comfortable with vulnerability
When you’re emotionally mature, being comfortable with vulnerability comes with the territory. Generally, people with well-developed emotional maturity aren’t afraid to lean on their close friends and family for support, talking through their struggles and concerns.
In contrast, emotionally immature people may be afraid of being vulnerable. They may see vulnerability as a weakness, rather than a sign of strength, which makes them less likely to go to others for support. Unfortunately, this behavior pattern can have a negative effect on their relationships, as a large part of strong relationships is being vulnerable.
6. You recognize and set healthy boundaries
We need to set healthy boundaries to meet our emotional needs. Emotionally mature people likely often witnessed healthy boundaries from their primary caregivers. If this wasn’t the case, then their self-awareness makes it easier to recognize their emotional needs and meet them.
Still not sure whether you’re emotionally mature? Being able to regulate your emotions is a large part of emotional maturity. Identify how well you can regulate your emotions with our FREE quiz.
Real-Life Examples of Emotional Maturity
Scenario 1
You come home to a messy house when your partner said they would clean up. You can react in one of two ways in this situation, depending on whether you’re emotionally mature or immature.
An emotionally mature person would immediately recognize that they were frustrated by this situation, and they’d understand that unleashing this anger on their partner is a bad idea. So, they might go for a walk to let off steam. During their walk, they’d consider all of the possibilities of why their partner didn’t clean up rather than jumping straight to, “I can’t believe they’ve let me down!” Had their partner had an awful day? Had something happened that prevented them from cleaning the house? When they get home, they might say, “Hey, how come you didn’t clean the house? You said that you would.”
An emotionally immature person, on the other hand, may lose their temper as soon as they see their messy house. Rather than taking steps to calm down, they may confront their partner, shouting at them for being “unthoughtful” or “lazy.”
Scenario 2
You recently completed a project at work, but it wasn’t exactly what your boss had in mind. So, they give you feedback on how to make it more aligned with their vision.
If you were emotionally immature, you may grumble in response, complaining that your boss didn’t explain it right or that they had unrealistic expectations. Alternatively, you may blame yourself, criticizing yourself for making a mistake or getting it wrong. You might become so upset that it may affect your concentration, or you procrastinate and leave it until the very last minute to complete it.
If you were emotionally immature, you would take the feedback on board, not blame your boss or yourself for the slight mishap, and label it in your mind as a misunderstanding. You may say to yourself, “Oh dear, that wasn’t quite right. OK, well, let’s fix it.” Alternatively, you may recognize that you got it wrong, apologize to your boss, and complete the task based on your boss’ feedback.
Role of Childhood in Emotional Maturity
Your childhood sets the foundation for your physical, emotional, and psychological maturity. One vital aspect of childhood is your relationships with the people closest to you — we call these attachment relationships.
Attachment is a concept based on Attachment Theory, an idea proposed by psychologist and psychiatrist John Bowlby in the mid to late 1900s. According to attachment theory, the relationships you develop with your primary caregiver influence how you see yourself and how you view others.
Attachment and Emotional Maturity
If your primary caregivers were highly attentive to you, consistently responding to your emotional and physical needs, you would have developed a secure attachment style. But if your primary caregivers didn’t consistently meet your needs or were abusive or neglectful, you will have developed an insecure attachment style.
But what does your attachment style have to do with your emotional maturity? Well, research
shows that having a secure attachment relationship with your primary caregivers is linked to greater emotional maturity during adolescence and healthier socio-emotional development throughout life.
One expert in particular — Roberta M. Berns — argues that how a family functions is a child’s first experience of connection and interaction. When the child is able to feel safe within their family structure, this helps their emotional health, self-confidence, self-esteem, and competence in social situations to flourish.
But what happens when your caregivers don’t lay this valuable foundation? And as a result, you develop an insecure attachment style?
When your needs continually go unmet, as is the case in those with an insecure attachment style, development is stunted. This can have an impact on all areas of development, but especially your emotional maturity. Research shows that people with an insecure attachment style often struggle with low self-awareness, self-esteem, and social skills, which are all markers of emotional immaturity.
However, it’s important to note that your attachment style isn’t the only factor that can influence your emotional maturity — age, gender, and culture may also affect your emotional development.
Age, Gender, and Cultural Influences on Emotional Maturity
No one factor determines our emotional maturity. Instead, it’s an interplay of many different elements. Let’s explore the influence of age and gender on emotional maturity first, then deep-dive into culture.
Age, Gender, and Emotional Maturity
We aren’t born with fully developed brains — far from it. In fact, research suggests that our brains are continually developing until our mid-to-late 20s. What’s more, the part of our brain responsible for our emotional maturity and controlling our emotions (known as the limbic system) doesn’t start developing until age 10 – 12!
So, at what age do we reach full maturity? Well, that depends on our gender. Research shows that women typically reach emotional maturity 11 years before men.
At What Age Does a Man Fully Emotionally Mature?
A man will become fully emotionally mature at around age 43. However, this is only the case if they have healthy development, with strong family relationships and no childhood experiences negatively affecting emotional development.
What Age Does a Woman Fully Emotionally Mature?
According to the same research, women fully emotionally mature at age 32. Again, this depends on their childhood experiences and attachment relationships.
Culture and Emotional Maturity
Cultures vary drastically across the world, and while we share the same emotions, our emotional development—including the way we express, recognize, and regulate our emotions—differs.
The main cultural factor influencing a child’s emotional development is the relationship with their primary caregiver. This relationship influences a child’s beliefs about emotion, their expression of their emotions, and the techniques they use to regulate their emotions.
The research also found that cultural beliefs and norms influenced how caregivers responded to their children’s emotions, which may mean that families from specific cultures may be more likely to develop insecure bonds. However, more research is needed to fully explore this.
How to Become Emotionally Mature
Emotional maturity is a difficult skill to develop, especially if you didn’t have emotionally mature caregivers to model this skill during childhood. However, it’s reassuring to know that everyone can work at maturing emotionally, you just need the right tools to do so.
Follow this 3-step process, and you’ll be well on your way to emotional maturity.
1. Earn secure attachment
People with a secure attachment style tend to have greater emotional maturity. However, if you have an insecure attachment style, you can still develop your emotional maturity.
One way to do this is by earning attachment security. Research suggests that the best ways to earn attachment security is to:
- Rely on others for emotional support
- Process your difficult past experiences
- Develop a positive sense of self
- Make changes to your negative thoughts and unhealthy behaviors.
2. Meet your emotional needs
The more you get to know your emotional needs, the more you will be able to meet these and respond accordingly. The 10 main emotional needs we have are:
- Security: Do you have a safe place, an environment that you can fully relax in, free from fear?
- Freedom: We need to feel a certain element of freedom or volition in our lives.
- Privacy: We need time and space to develop our emotional understanding and well-being.
- Meaning: Does your life have meaning? Do you do the things you love and that bring you a sense of purpose?
- Attention (from others): Do you receive enough attention from the people you love the most?
- Emotional connection: Emotional connection is an important part of our development and well-being.
- Sense of self: Do you have a positive sense of self?
- Connection with your environment/our community: We are social beings who need to feel connected.
- Achievement: Does your life bring a sense of achievement?
- Boundaries: Setting healthy boundaries is a fundamental element of emotional maturity and well-being.
You can start by going through each and asking yourself if there is anything in your life that makes you feel less secure, private, fulfilled, and so on.
Meeting your emotional needs will not only improve your emotional maturity; it will also improve your life satisfaction and reduce the risk of mental health difficulties like anxiety and depression.
3. Learn your emotions
A significant part of emotional maturity is understanding your emotions. Start by paying more attention to the emotions you experience day-to-day — it can help to keep a record of these in a journal or in the Notes app on your phone.
Jot down what emotion you’re experiencing, what happened directly before you felt the emotion, and how your body feels. This will help you to recognize this feeling in the future, which brings you one step closer to managing it in healthy ways.
If you haven’t done so already, we highly recommend that you take our Emotional Regulation Quiz. This will help you identify how well you regulate your emotions so you know what to work on in the future.
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